Small Monsters are distinguished from their larger counterparts by their unwillingness to kill or maim outright. Instead they prefer to cause a growing sense of unease that consumes their victim until they think that’s just what adulthood is. All small monsters are raised in free-range, cruelty-free environments.
-Lesser Succubus: appears as an attractive person of their target’s preference, but only when the target is doing a “quick grocery run” and look like they’ve crawled out of a dumpster.
-The Mall-o-taur, or bull of malls, who will hunt you down at your most lost, at your most hopeless and sell you a hair straightener before you can escape. They do not eat human flesh, but yarn will not particularly help you escape.
-Wizened Anansi: Is the hero of his own very long and very boring stories.
-The ghost of a long dead pet padding just on the other side of your locked front door.
-The radio siren, which sings innocuous songs that you end up humming incessantly, but consistently forget to Google and learn the words to.
-A miniature Hok Braz that does not eat three ships crew and all. Instead it lives in cupboards and devours all the snacks first.
-Will-o-Wisp, does not appear as a lamp anymore, but rather as a roaming, just barely-there network signal when you are lost and your GPS refuses to work, until you are forced at long last to go to a Starbuck and purchase something in order to use their wi-fi.
-A befuddled Baba Yaga who will not kidnap you into her walking house, but will call the police on you for literally any reason at all.
-A shapeshifter who turns into every power cord, adapter and remote that you are not looking for.
-Muses that give you the perfect come-back. Just ten years later in the middle of the night when you can’t help but rehash every single bad social interaction you’ve ever had. They live at the very tip of your tongue, catch your best ideas and keep them.
-Cicadas. Normal, cicadas. They leave empty representations of themselves clinging to trees, occasionally mistakes human limbs for trees limbs and attempt to feed and have adapted a 13 to 17 year life cycle that ends with them emerging from the ground and screaming loud enough to cause permanent hearing loss.
Household Hexes of Nagging Vexations
Each hexagram, be definition, has six equal sides and six equal angles. And yet a household hex is always, at base, composed from the smallest sides of these otherwise mathematically sound shapes. Geometrically organic, euclideanically-sourced, food-grade two-dimensionally vegan and gluten free.
Side 1: Every car in every lane is going exactly three miles below the speed limit and you are late. Not all the time, just when it would be the most irritating.
Side 2: The week’s only opportunity for a late-morning lie-in, the room is cold and you are cozy underneath the perfect level of blankets… and the increasingly desperate need to pee. [Note: looks like you made a popular choice! Unfortunately this is temporarily out of stock. Join our mailing lit to get up-to-date stock lists.]
Side 3: No, but seriously where are my glasses?
Side 4: The first sip of tea is too hot. The next sip of tea is stone cold. The house is full of abandoned tea. You run out of tea. [Note: can be re-formulated for coffee at no extra charge. Sorry, we don’t do flattened soda, tepid monster drinks, or watered down ice-coffee at this time.]
Side 5: An outing is budgeted for and planned. Everything goes as it should, but it is slightly less enjoyable than anticipated. Everyone looks at the Facebook photos with a lingering sense of disappointment. [Note: can only be activated for small, ultimately inconsequential outings. No weddings, theme parks, birthday parties or big-budget summer blockbusters based off childhood nostalgia properties at this time.]
Side 6: Buffering.
While far less likely to cause unforeseen complications than their more famous counterparts (e.g. words turning into rubies and pearls tends to choke sleep-talkers, if you make the most beautiful woman in the world fall in love with you that can cause a slight war, sometimes your step mother hires a guy to carve your heart out.) uncounted blessings do not make much of a splash a baby christenings, rarely go noted by the blessed and have never once gotten any of our customers married to foreign nobility. Note: may contains whey ingredients, will not work in combination with malicious intent.
-May the yolk not break when you flip an over-easy egg. [Note: please mind that directions for this blessing include keeping your pan well lubricated and at medium temperature, as heating any pan but cast iron on high counts as malicious intent towards the pan.]
-May the the thing you’re running late for run ever so slightly later than you. [In the case of set-schedule events such as movies, the blessed will only miss previews to movies they would not have watched anyways.] -May you turn on the radio to the beginning of your favorite song.
-May your next period be light and relatively painless [Note: this will only work in occasions where it is within the realm of possibility. We are not in the business of giving non-uterii having folks a uterus, nor are we capable of fixing malfunctioning organs of any kind. We apologize for the inconvenience.]
-May your next attempt to calm a baby succeed. [Note: to have said baby openly smile at you comes at a slight extra fee. This blessing is good for only one use. Shelf life: 7 days, please keep at room temperature and away from direct sunlight.]
-More to Come!
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